As you all know, we have officially made it one whole month plus some, still married, and still in our trailer. It may come as no surprise to the people that know me, but the worst part, so far, has been having to share my bed.
When it comes to being clean, neat, and organized, I am not there. Zack has been complaining for days about having to pick up all of my clothes off of the bedroom floor each morning, after I try on four outfits and leave them all wadded up there. I am never in the right place when I need to be (I once forgot about a final exam). I despise to-do lists, so I forget everything I need to do. But, I exhibit some insane OCD behaviors when it comes to my bed. I want it to be completely clean, as in I wash my sheets like once-a-week. Therefore, I want anyone in my bed to be clean. And, for the life of me, I can’t get Zack to shower at night. On top of that, we share a full bed. For 18 years of my life, I slept in a queen size bed by myself. And now I share a full with a huge man.
I wake up in the middle of the night to him breathing loudly in my ear or with his arm over my mouth. It’s been a difficult adjustment to say the least.
And in the midst of this somewhat funny, but seriously hard transition, I have found that there is something real in sharing these tight spaces, in living in a single-wide trailer, and in feeling so borderline claustrophobic, but so genuinely close.
I always thought that because of my free-spirited and anti-structure tendencies, marriage would make me feel caged and suffocated. But, instead I feel closer to someone than I ever have before.
I wake up each morning (or in the middle of the night) to hear his breathing. Annoying- yes, but so authentically real.
Before I fall asleep each night, it’s his voice that I hear whisper a prayer.
It’s his embrace that keeps me warm when I am cold.
In a world that is so captivated by shallow and inauthentic relationships. How refreshing it is to feel this close to someone, to know everything about them.
How amazing it is to find ourselves in these tight spaces where we have no other option but to snuggle up.
But, all I can think about is how the Lord knows him so much more than this. He knows the words we will speak before they are even on our tongue. This closeness doesn’t require these tight spaces that human closeness does. The closeness that our hearts long for, the closeness that can’t be filled by Instagram likes, flattering compliments, flirty comments, or even marriage- this closeness is found in only His arms.
You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.