50 Day Countdown
In honor of there being a mere FIFTY DAYS (gasp) until I marry my coach, I wanted to write a blog just about how I am feeling. As blessed as I am to have so much excitement ahead, it’s a little sucky that I don’t have many people my age going through/experiencing a similar transition. In fact, none, as in not one friend is graduating, getting married, job hunting, and moving away in the next fifty days. For myself, this blog is my chance to get some feedback from anyone reading and thinking, “Hey, I’ve been there.” And, for future insight for friends and readers who might be here in the next few months/years, etc.- maybe this will help you in preparing/figuring it all out too. (Ps. should you feel so inclined, you can message me here with either perspective).
My Instagram can back me up here, I have spent every other weekend of this entire semester, in Myrtle Beach. That’s a five-hour trip from Clemson. I normally leave on Thursday and come back late Sunday. This means I spend three days in Clemson and four in Myrtle Beach. Weekends that I’m not in Myrtle Beach, I’m in Spartanburg soaking up every last minute with my family. I often make that trip Saturday night after our home game (because I am also working a part time job here), and then back on Monday. I am also taking 22 hours of classes, working, and doing an internship. Needless to say, there’s not a lot of free time for me to stop and breathe, much less really enjoy this time for what it is. I am leaving Clemson in 35 days. No more walks on library bridge. No more Orange bus rides to class. No more easy meet-ups with friends. No more passing Tillman in all its glory in the morning light on my way to class. No more of the small group I have treasured for the last two years. No more free time between classes. No more cramming for exams or projects the day before they are due. No more late night convos with my roommate, or sleepovers with friends. As quoted by the great philosopher of my generation, Lil Wayne, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that’s why we call it the present.” This will all soon be in the past. But with the future so looming and intimidating, how do I intentionally stay present? ( Matthew 6:34)
There’s a lot of information out there about how to prepare for your wedding. There are dieting techniques, skincare regiments, and exercise plans. While your wedding is important, and an incredible opportunity to celebrate a God-given gift, it is, in the end, one day. And, your marriage is forever. Again, why are there so many sites, “how to” articles, and entire organizations devoted to assisting you on your job hunt? Granted, a job is a lot more important than the wedding day, it still falls far below marriage on our priority lists (at least it should). It’s a lot harder than it sounds. It’s a lot harder to refocus and set your mind above and not on earthly things (Colosians 3:2). Still, when it comes to embodying a wife of noble character, worth far more than rubies whose husband has full confidence in her and who lacks nothing of value (Proverbs 31), there is far less attention, resources, and advice. Becoming that wife who brings her husband good, not harm, all the days of her life– when it comes to hunting for that, there is not a whole lot. And therefore, it’s easy to let that searching slip. I pray that my searching be consistent, and that my focus be unwavering. But, what does it look like to prepare to love a man more than you love your own body, or to give yourself up wholly and completely? And, while I know there is no all-encompassing, quick and easy answer that just makes you into a fabulous life partner, I am just confused as to why it is easy to devote this much care and concern into making yourself into the ideal job candidate beautiful on your wedding day, but not the ideal wife?
Please! He tells us in Matthew, Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest…For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light (Matthew 11:28-30). But, I haven’t seemed to find that easy-to-bear yoke, or that light burden. And, to be completely honest, this rest is not something I see modeled a lot by wives in our modern Christian culture. Maybe it is because investing in children weighs so heavily on a mother’s heart. Or, maybe it is that we are all working our booties off trying to become that Wife of Noble Character. From the outside looking in, it always seemed so simple to rest. It was never hard for me to sit down, prop my feet up, and let my mom do the work. But now, as I step into the other side, it’s not so easy anymore. There is ALWAYS something to be done. I have applications to feel out, wedding invitations to finish, homework to start, things to read, friends to catch up with, prayers to be prayed, verses to be read, news to catch up on and, family to call up. It is truly never ending. My to-do list is 10 pages long and growing, and rest is just not on it. I can’t even complain, because when I talk to moms with little one’s, or softball schedules, and football practices, drama clubs, and PTO meetings- my list pales in comparison. So, if I think I’m pretty restless now, how do I find it before it’s long gone?
What an incredible opportunity we have to learn from one another, to hear one another’s struggles, to lend a hand, or an ear. I think community is built upon the realization that we cannot do life alone and no one person has it all together. I think I have made that part pretty clear in this post, but it is never my intent to pretend to be prepared for what is next. There are times that I feel as if I am running wide open into darkness- running into things, and knocking things over, just to try to find something to hold onto as everything around me changes. But, my Savior is consistent, strong, and able to hold me close, provide direction, and even rest. He calls me out of anxiousness and into comfort. And, he has given me this crazy adventure ahead and all of you.
There’s this song I’ve had stuck in my head called “Hold us Together.” It says, And love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm. And I’ll be my brother’s keeper, so the whole world would know that we’re not alone. Our time on this earth is about displaying and receiving His love. It’s about loving our husbands, and one another. And, its this kind of love that keeps us together through trying times in our country and in our own lives.